*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*