[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Oh no
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Netflix and awkward silence?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.