I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this