Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You Might Also Like
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck