ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.