*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
You Might Also Like
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I didn’t realize that was an option
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Hot Hot Hot
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.