I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes