[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
ouch
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Breaking news:
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
3% human
97% stress
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?