The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this