If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
You better watch out
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*