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We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner