ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus