Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
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[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
This is my emotional support knife.