Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
opening twitter today
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!