What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face