We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts