If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
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Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.