When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro