COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes