This kid will have a bright future.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Friends that check up on you >
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind