[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If looks could kill
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Finally!
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.