[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
For the ones in the back.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them