[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Oh my God.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
This dude got his own movie?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.