Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms