ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
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*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
#parenting
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
i will not be silenced
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
What about second breakfast?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too