i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I need better friends
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
me
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree