shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
💻🤡
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it