At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
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Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Brb my Sims are getting married
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke