Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
when nothing goes right… go left
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Breaking news:
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My what?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else