*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
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*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
jesus christ confetti not now
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st