I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
🖤✌🏽
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.