Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.