My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.