woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.