I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”