God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.