do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
You Might Also Like
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Tier 3 meme
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.