THE AUDACITY. 😤
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.