[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
You Might Also Like
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.