[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
You Might Also Like
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Happy Halloween 🎃
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust