*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me driving through Toronto
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.