handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
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Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again