How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.