Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8