I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
This sounds bad:
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place