Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.