The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
inside you are two wolves
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink