Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan