18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings