A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My what?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Bed should get ready for ME
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.